As discussed in my “What is Social Anxiety?” post, social anxiety is the nervousness that one experiences before entering social situations. According to the cognitive model, this anxiety stems from the negative automatic thoughts you are having about the situation.
For example: You were invited to a party and you begin to have thoughts such as “I won’t have anything to say”, “I’m going to do something to embarrass myself”, or “They’ll think I’m boring”. As you think those thoughts, you notice your heart is racing, you start feeling nervous, and you decide not to go to the party, instead choosing to spend another Friday night at home alone. This leads to additional feelings of sadness and frustration as you think about another missed opportunity to get to know people in your environment. The good news is that you can learn to shift your thinking, which can lead to reductions in your social anxiety and depression.
1. Learn how to recognize negative automatic thoughts as they occur. By monitoring and identifying your negative thoughts, you can gain more awareness of and ultimately control over the thoughts that trigger your anxiety. Jot down your thoughts in a journal or on a piece of paper every time you experience social anxiety. List the social situation you were facing, your thoughts or images, and the emotions you experienced. Over time you will discover common themes in your thinking. For people with social anxiety, the themes often center on needing to do things perfectly, believing that if people got to know you that they would not like you, and believing you are an imposter. These thoughts and beliefs often reflect irrational thoughts about yourself and the world.
2. Realize that your thoughts are not facts. Having a thought does not make it true. Having the thought that you are not competent does not mean this is true or that people see you in that way. Having the thought that you will do something stupid does not mean this will actually happen. To test out your thoughts, go to the party and see what happens. You will likely discover that things will not turn out as badly as you think they will. In fact, you might meet someone interesting and enjoy yourself. Of course, for many it is not that simple and work must be done to meet the challenges of social anxiety.
3. Challenge your thoughts as they occur. For example, let’s examine the thought “I won’t have anything to say”. This is an example of all-or-nothing thinking (either you’ll have a lot to say or nothing at all). This thought ignores the possibility that, although you may not be the most talkative person at the party, you will likely be able to find something to say to someone. The key is to identify this thought when it occurs and ask yourself whether this is really true (“Do I know for certain that I won’t have anything to say?” “Even if I don’t say much, does that necessarily mean that people will think I’m boring?”). Set realistic goals for yourself for when you get to the party, such as saying hello to someone or sharing a couple of your viewpoints. Finally, replace negative automatic thoughts with more rational thoughts (e.g., “Not saying much does not necessarily equal being boring”; “Not saying much is ok”).
Over time, through challenging your thoughts and facing the situations that make you anxious, you will learn to develop greater comfort in social situations. As you implement these changes, it can be beneficial to work with a therapist who can help you achieve your goals.
Recommended Book:
Managing Social Anxiety: A Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Approach, 2nd Edition Workbook. By Debra A. Hope, Richard G. Heimberg, and Cynthia L. Turk.